Turn your nightmares into Dreams... 4/16/2020

Ain't this what they've been waiting for?

You ready?

I used to pray for times like this, to rhyme like this

So I had to grind like that to shine like this

In a matter of time I spent on some locked up shit

In the back of the paddy wagon, cuffs locked on wrists

See my dreams unfold, nightmares come true

It was time to marry the game and I said, "Yeah, I do"

If you want it you gotta see it with a clear-eyed view

Got a shorty, she tryna bless me like I said, "Achoo"

Meek Mill - Dreams and Nightmares 

Stress effects weight loss echoed in my mind. My weight loss coach, Robin, told me this during a weigh in after a break up. I had gained four pounds. I was devastated. All this hard work and I gained weight. How Sway? I told Robin I was going through a break up and she said she understood because she was currently going through one as well. Robin told me that stress effects weight loss. "Tristan your body is retaining liquid since you are stressed." Robin stated. She told me to work on processing this break up to relieve the stress. I paid for my shakes and walked out the center a broken man mentally, emotionally and physically. I got in my car feeling terrible. A failed relationship and now weight gain...all bad. The drive from St. Vincent to my apartment is about 30 minutes with my driving (I'm a slow driver) but that day it seemed like it took forever. Now, looking back I needed that time. I needed to start processing this breakup. So, on my drive back to Conway I had Partynextdoor - "News" on repeat. I felt that this song was about me and my failed relationship. Then I made the dumbest decision ever when it comes to breakups; I convinced myself that I wasn't going to allow her to make me feel sad. I was going to be numb about this situation. 🙄 I know I know...stupid...🙄 Because the weigh in for the next week, my body plateaued... No weight gain or loss. Robin asked if I was still stressed because my food journal was great and I should have lost some weight. I reluctantly told her yes. Robin stated again the stress effects weight loss. Same cycle as the week before a long drive while having the same song on repeat. When I got home I put on my Black Emo music playlist and the song "Honesty" by Pink Sweat$ started to play. Ironic as it was, I finally began to be honest with my self and let the process start. So, after a few tears 😭 I felt better. I felt my motivation come back. That moment of honesty with myself broke down the wall I built up for my emotions. I got up and made my keto cabbage soup and stated to myself I will not let this mess up my progress I made so far. (I had lost 60lbs at that time) I used my friend's advice (Dr.Terri) and stopped listening to my Black Emo music and started back my journaling. I began to feel better in time and my next weigh in was a success. I lost 16lbs. After two weeks of failing (Nightmares) I finally had success. I was so happy 76lbs down. I sent my family and close friends my result of the weigh in and they were so happy.

I learned a valuable lesson. Turn your nightmares into Dreams. Life might not always go the way that you expect. This also goes for your weight loss journey or any journey you are taking. There are going to be ups and downs but it all depends on how you handle them.

Some tips to use with your journey...

1. Set small goals that would lead to your overall goal.
2. Use this motto: Take one day at a time and one week at a time... Don't rush the process!!!
3. Make sure your support system actually supports you.
4. Every breathe you take is another chance to better yourself. (Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a step I am still working on.)
5. Block out negativity. (Yes, I am working on this step as well.)
6. Most importantly, Love you...(This step is my biggest hurdle that I will get across.)

#MyLastFatHomeComing

My first official weigh in...

On My Mama (Mama)

On My Hood (Hood)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

Touch My Swag (Swag)

Wish You Could (Could)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

On My Mama (Mama)

On My Hood (Hood)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

Touch My Swag (Swag)

Wish You Could (Could)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

Chalie Boy - I look good

On 9/18/2019, I had my first official weigh in. I was so nervous. The week prior I just ate chicken breast and cauliflower rice for the only meal I could eat each day. I was eating chopped up cucumbers as a snack. I will admit that first week was hell. From the cravings, to feeling tired and irritable I was like fuck this shit. Give me my Papa John's large sausage pizza or a Taco Bell Nacho Grande with two supreme chalupas because a negro was hungry and feeling miserable. Eating food made me feel happy. No matter what I was going through, food was what I turned to. It was my escape from the world. So, as you can see that first week of the new diet was culture shock for my body and mind but I was able to push through. My weight loss coach told me that I could lose up to ten pounds during the first week. I was so nervous during my 38 minute drive to the St. Vincent's Heart Clinic where Ideal Protein is located. I was shaking walking to the door. I had to talk to myself in order to calm down because my nerves were everywhere. Then I saw my weight loss coach, Amber, walk towards the door to let me in. She asked was I nervous. I guess she asked because of the deer stuck in headlights look I had on my face. I replied back yes but I wasn't anymore. I wanted to lose ten pounds in order feel like this was successful. Well, guess what America, I only lost three pounds. Three mofo pounds like WTF. A whole week of hell for three pounds. Amber was just cool as the other side of the pillow. She said, "Tristan this is great start." I was like WTH in my head. I stated that I felt like I should have lost more. She told me, "Tristan you didn't gain this weight in one day. This is marathon for your life. You got this." She also said "We will experiment with the diet to find what will work for you. We got this together." Still skeptical I stated we will see. So Amber said, "Tristan give this your all. Any loss whether on the scale or inches on the measurement tape is a step towards your goal. So don't be discouraged." I said you are right. When I got in my car I called my mother and told her the results. She was so happy. She said baby you got this. Next week like try to lose four pounds. She echoed the same thing Amber said; this is marathon not a sprint and she and my family are rooting for me. That cheered me up. I thanked my mother and told her I will work hard at this. I called John and told him my results. He was happy also. He was like Babs you can't lose it all in one day. Take it one day at a time. Now look at this; three people echoed the same message to me. This was God talking to me through them. I wanted to rush this process instead of taking my time to enjoy the journey. This is a lesson I need to learn. Patience. At times we want everything now instead of later. God knows that I need this journey to grow and to appreciate my goal when I get there. So, I had change my mindset. I began to take one day at a time and one week at a time. By UCA Homecoming I had lost forty pounds. I will admit a brother was kinda feeling himself. At this time only my family and close friends knew I was on a weight loss program. This was the first time in a long time that I was proud of myself. My confidence was coming back. The way I walked and talked was going back to how I was in the past, before I was 517lbs. I felt that I was the old Tristan. The happy carefree Tristan. The Big lover lover Tristan. Now I just had to make sure I stayed on my diet this weekend and make sure I didn't drink any Blu Juice. Success. I didn't slip up any that weekend. My motivation sky rocketed since I got alot of compliments. 

My self esteem was through the roof and my weigh in numbers were good also. Another eight pounds down and three inches off my body. So your boy was feeling himself. Thr plab of four protein shakes and one meal a day waa working. I found a keto cabbage soup on YouTube that was tasty and helped my body burn fat. I increased my water intake from drinking one gallon a day to two. I was noticing small changes in my body. My face and legs were getting smaller. My stamina increased dramatically. My back did not hurt anymore. I was in a great place mentally and emotionally. I finally got the lady of my dreams but I wasn't ready for the nightmare ahead...

Words of encouragement: Remember take your journey one day at a time. Do not try to rush the process. Just go with the flow. There will be plenty ups and downs during the journey.  Use you down moments as motivation. Remember any lost is gain. Sometimes you might lose more inches than pounds. Do not feel discouraged if the scale needle didn't move. Embrace losing those inches over pounds. And the most important thing to remember find what works for you. Everyone's bodies are different and react differently. Weight loss can be similar to the scientific method. Trying different things for success. It took me two months to find what works for me. So don't be afriad to try new things. 

April 5, 2020

Know you ride it right

I might just die tonight

But you know I'm still coming through baby

I know it's bad for me

And you know it tastes so sweet

I think I need your abuse baby

Girl, you do damage to me

You, know I love it, yeah, I love you

Ain't nothing better for me now

Girl, you do damage to me

You, know I love it, yeah, I love you

Ain't nothing better for me now

Than your poison baby... 

Brent Faiyaz - Poison 

On September 9, 2019 my weight loss journey began with Ideal Protein. Day one really wasn't bad. Eating cucumbers like potato chips and drinking water kept me full. I did this for the rest of the week until Friday. I started feeling the cravings. I never was a candy bar eater but I would've punched someone for a Snickers Bar. Yes, I was a Snickers Bar commercial. I was beginning to feel agitated about anything. It could have been something as small as hearing my text message alert go off. Yes I said it....the alert I choose for my phone was causing me to get upset. As I look back at it now, it is very comical. My body was craving the sugar and carbs that were being cut dramatically. My weight loss coach told me that I would start feeling fatigue, irritable or have a headache due to the diet change. So for the next two weeks I dealt with my fatigue and irritability by staying at home. I didn't feel that I had the will power to eat correctly if I went out to a restaurant with friends. So I used this time of solitude to get mentally prepared for this journey. 

Oh, I forgot to tell you all I had to give up was the consumption of alcohol for this weight loss program. WTF was my thought! This is the start of football season and my beer drinking goes hand in hand with this. Prior to starting my program, when I got off from work on Thursday or Friday I would get my alcohol for the weekend. I would get about 5 to 6 Budlight 40oz, some Budlight 24oz cans, a bottle of courvoisier, Hennessy or Paul Mason. Of course I had to get my Seagram's Ginger Ale for my hard liquor.  I thought the alcohol was for setting the mood to relax after a long week of work, but as I found out the alcohol was just numbing unprocessed pains and frustrations. Everyone who knew me knew my love for alcohol. The feeling of numbness was everything to me. I didn't want to feel the emotional and physical pain I was dealing with. The alcohol didn't make me think of health issues, it numbed the thought of being overweight.  I didn't think about the pain I was still holding from past breakups. I thought alcohol was giving me Zen but in actuality it was the main reason why I was gaining. Not because of the carbs associated with alcohol but the suppression of my emotions would cause me to over eat. Although alcohol was important to me, it was also my downfall. Even with the knowledge of that I was still hesitant about giving up alcohol for this weight loss program. I felt that I couldn't do it. I thought that my craving for alcohol would be too overwhelming and cause me to quit the program. But guess what, I was able to stop drinking cold turkey. I never had a craving for it which is by the grace of God. By giving up alcohol, not only was it aiding in my weight loss journey, it was also aiding in my emotional healing journey as well. 

So I encourage you all to find the underlying issues that you feel is keeping you from being successful in your weight loss journey. One of mine being alcohol, as a way to not deal with emotional hurt. Learning how to heal without anything making me numb was a major barrier I had to break. To be honest, it is still not easy at times. What gets me through is looking at where I started to where I am at currently. Yes, I still have bad days but I try to find a productive way to deal with my emotions. So my homework for you (Yes homework lol) list your underlying issues with weight loss and come up with a plan to deal with them. Yes, I know this is going to be difficult since this requires you to be fully honest with yourself. It is still difficult for me to this but I know I have to. Just take it one day at a time. You got this....#MyLastFatHomeComing

March 30, 2020

I called on you, you were needed

You went MIA today and I ain't see ya

I thought of you, while I was working

I'm too proud to look for you

I hope you're hurting

Tell me what I got to prove

(While I was working)

I don't mean nothing to you

(I hope you're hurting)

You ain't got nothing to say

(While I was working)

You're too good at walking away

(I hope you're hurting)

Sonder - Too Fast

 

2019 I was 37 weighing 512lbs. Hurting on the inside with a smile on my face. Still had my sense of humor but yet sad inside. I was already planning my funeral in my head. I want to be cremated so that the pallbears wouldn't have to carry my heavy body. Where was the joyful, full of life Tristan?  I should be happy, but I wasn't. I have been depressed since Christmas of 2018 when I had an emotional breakdown at my mother's house. All of the past hurts and frustrations about my life came out. I felt terrible for messing up Christmas. This was followed by a counseling session when I got back to Conway. This didn't help because I couldn't be fully open. Still hurting and confused. Seeing my flaws instead of my pros. I still haven't gotten over past breakups and failures. I had gotten to the point that death would be best for me since  I didn't know my purpose of life. People thought I had it together but I was a broken mirror with the cracks in the back. Their reflection of me was nothing like the image I saw in myself. Drinking and sexing away my pain did not work. This further lead to more pain. All of this came to a head with an argument with my bestfriend John and I. John is one of my friends who has a big heart but is a straight shooter. He has been getting on me for years on losing weight. He has worked out with me and stayed on my ass about it. It was a cycle; I work out for about a good month and then get discouraged and quit. Which led me to further fall in my depression. I said that to give you some background on our friendship. John is also my barber. So while he was lining me up he began to talk about my weight and it started. We both got into it. He was worried about my health and kept it 💯 with me. I didn't want to hear it but I needed to. He actually kicked me out of his house that night. I left his house mad and hurting. Not at him but at myself because he was right. My family and friends were all concerned about me. So when the tears began to fall during my drive back to my side of town, I didn't attempt to stop them. This was the first time I actually let my emotions out. We didn't talk for about a week until our friend Tony called and was like BABS (a nickname I was given during college) you know John is worried about you like all of us. Why don't you try the program mentioned to help lose the weight Tony asked. I was actually speechless. Everyone who knows me, knows it takes alot for me to not have a smart come back, but they were right. On that day my weight loss journey started for me mentally. I decided to get the number from John of his client who lost weight using this program. I contacted let's say his name is "Tim"  about the program. Tim was totally honest with his battle of weight loss and stated that I should try it. This was a pride swallowing moment and I got the number of the program and called them.  I was scared and not confident that it would work but at least I made the first step. So on September 9, 2019 I started my #MyLastFatHomeComing plan. I am going to lose this weight and heal Tristan from the inside out...

This is just a summary of what started this weight loss journey for me. This blog is for encouraging common people on how the journey of weight loss and learning about self. I am going to give it raw and uncut with some humor sprinkled in. I am going to be an open book for you because someone needs to know that they can do this. So let's get ready for our #MyLastFatHomecoming.