March 30, 2020

I called on you, you were needed

You went MIA today and I ain't see ya

I thought of you, while I was working

I'm too proud to look for you

I hope you're hurting

Tell me what I got to prove

(While I was working)

I don't mean nothing to you

(I hope you're hurting)

You ain't got nothing to say

(While I was working)

You're too good at walking away

(I hope you're hurting)

Sonder - Too Fast

 

2019 I was 37 weighing 512lbs. Hurting on the inside with a smile on my face. Still had my sense of humor but yet sad inside. I was already planning my funeral in my head. I want to be cremated so that the pallbears wouldn't have to carry my heavy body. Where was the joyful, full of life Tristan?  I should be happy, but I wasn't. I have been depressed since Christmas of 2018 when I had an emotional breakdown at my mother's house. All of the past hurts and frustrations about my life came out. I felt terrible for messing up Christmas. This was followed by a counseling session when I got back to Conway. This didn't help because I couldn't be fully open. Still hurting and confused. Seeing my flaws instead of my pros. I still haven't gotten over past breakups and failures. I had gotten to the point that death would be best for me since  I didn't know my purpose of life. People thought I had it together but I was a broken mirror with the cracks in the back. Their reflection of me was nothing like the image I saw in myself. Drinking and sexing away my pain did not work. This further lead to more pain. All of this came to a head with an argument with my bestfriend John and I. John is one of my friends who has a big heart but is a straight shooter. He has been getting on me for years on losing weight. He has worked out with me and stayed on my ass about it. It was a cycle; I work out for about a good month and then get discouraged and quit. Which led me to further fall in my depression. I said that to give you some background on our friendship. John is also my barber. So while he was lining me up he began to talk about my weight and it started. We both got into it. He was worried about my health and kept it 💯 with me. I didn't want to hear it but I needed to. He actually kicked me out of his house that night. I left his house mad and hurting. Not at him but at myself because he was right. My family and friends were all concerned about me. So when the tears began to fall during my drive back to my side of town, I didn't attempt to stop them. This was the first time I actually let my emotions out. We didn't talk for about a week until our friend Tony called and was like BABS (a nickname I was given during college) you know John is worried about you like all of us. Why don't you try the program mentioned to help lose the weight Tony asked. I was actually speechless. Everyone who knows me, knows it takes alot for me to not have a smart come back, but they were right. On that day my weight loss journey started for me mentally. I decided to get the number from John of his client who lost weight using this program. I contacted let's say his name is "Tim"  about the program. Tim was totally honest with his battle of weight loss and stated that I should try it. This was a pride swallowing moment and I got the number of the program and called them.  I was scared and not confident that it would work but at least I made the first step. So on September 9, 2019 I started my #MyLastFatHomeComing plan. I am going to lose this weight and heal Tristan from the inside out...

This is just a summary of what started this weight loss journey for me. This blog is for encouraging common people on how the journey of weight loss and learning about self. I am going to give it raw and uncut with some humor sprinkled in. I am going to be an open book for you because someone needs to know that they can do this. So let's get ready for our #MyLastFatHomecoming.