What They Heard/Insecure pt. 3

F*ck your mind up, waste time

I'm prone to that, do it all the time

Keep your guard up or wait in line

You don't need me, please believe me

This ain't easy, you know I've been feindin'

Let me unleash my demons on you

What's the word? Tell me what you've heard

Don't tell me what to do, just tell me when it hurts

When I get you to myself, it's murder

What's the word? Tell me what you've heard

Don't tell me what to do, just tell me when it hurts

When I get you to myself, it's murder...

Sonder - What they heard 

What they heard about Tristan is different from what I know about Tristan. This weight loss journey was not just about losing pounds. Shading the toxic traits and insecurities I have/had about myself. My insecurities about being "enough" lead me to toxic past that aided in my weight loss. This "enough" came from life disappointments, failed relationships and the added pounds that I was gaining didn't help.  I became BITTER. A BITTER AQUARIUS MAN talking about heartless....a total 180 from the young man from Phillips County nicknamed Pookie. My BITTERNESS cause me to find comfort in sex and food especially sex. Numb...that was me. Sex gave me the feeling of being alive at the cost of killing me. Deep inside I was dying. Self esteem and confidence gone. When I couldn't get sex I leaned on food and alcohol. Large Meat lovers and about 3 40oz Bud lights plus some Henny and coke. Terrible combination when dealing with depression. I didn't respect myself for letting myself go. So back to sex, food and alcohol to numb my self.... Tristan is so funny. Tristan is so nice. He is husband material. Tristan, you are always happy ....things are the things of WHAT THEY HEARD about the shell that was ME Tristan.... But what I knew about Tristan was that WHAT THEY HEARD  about Tristan was just one side of the same coin....the other side was toxic, bitter and numb. There is a reason I choose the song lyrics....this was me. I was in this place for some time. Just waking around numb... Sex, Food and Alcohol were my vices....

What you mean, you and me? I'm here all by myself

You around, she's around, just be polite and not leave her out

What the f*ck you call this? Hopeless, not romantic

I ain't got no kids, so don't be so childish

You be wildin', I be wildin', too

But not like you, shit, maybe a little like you

Maybe we ain't so different, maybe I be trippin', too...

This song hits home because those lyrics is like going back in time watching myself smh. Remember when I stated that this journey wasn't just about pounds. I had to let go the toxicity in me. I started by not dating for a while. No sex. I stopped drinking for a while (I will admit not that long at that time. I currently haven't had alcohol in 15 months.) In order to find my center. I started therapy and began to feel better slightly. I started to change my mindset about dating. I needed this time because looking back at it this was when the foundation of my journey was being form. 

If he was a winner

Girl, you wouldn’t have to worry 'bout a damn thing

If I was up in it, shit, I bet a pound that I'd put it down

Make you forget that you was ever with him

And I hate talking 'bout my stroke game

But girl, I’m giving you the whole thing

I could put like 25 on your finger, five for your shades

So you can’t see these other niggas

They won’t call you again, that’s enough

I could see you’re wasting time

Would you pay it out to me? You’re in the wrong hands

I just want to clock in, night and day, I'll stay

I’ll be more open if you keep it open

Thank God for change. I still have my days where mt depression ans anxiety might comes but I know how to deal with it. I am not holding that BITTERNESS bag anymore. Fu*k that bag. I needed to go through that to help me appreciate what I have done so far. Now WHAT THEY HEARD about me is true. I am a good man who has and still overcoming his demons. Living life....

Food for Thought: Don't let WHAT THEY HEARD/SAY hinder you from your growth and healing. #MustardSeedMindset

Insecure pt. 1

She said

You can't know what I've done

You can't go where I'm from

Your lips can lie

But your eyes can't hide you're too young

You're too young

How I adore our love would be so true

I just wish you knew

I'd be all yours if my mind didn't wander, I've got scars

From a life before you

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just can't trust no one else

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just feel safe by myself...

Brent Faiyaz - Insecure

When was the last time you had an one on one talk to yourself. I'm talking about your real self. That self that you doesn't show to anyone else. The one where your insecurities lies... I had this talk recently and boy what a conversation it was. Everyone sees the Tristan that is always talkative, life of the party, the smart ass comedian but then there's the Tristan that I doesn't show to anyone. The Tristan who doesn't think he is smart enough, good looking and good enough. He comes out sometimes and when he does I must have a sit down. I hate when I have them but they are needed. Being able to be 💯 real with myself helps me make my insecurities my strengths in time. But I had to learn to face them. Not be scared of them but use them as fuel to keep going. I can not love Tristan without dealing with my insecurities. 

Just like the young lady in the song I allowed my insecurities stop me from doing things. Not anymore. I embrace them. But we shouldn't allow them to stop us. Live life....one day at time. 

#FoodForThought Try taking some time to deal with your insecurities that are stopping you....Don't allow them to stop you anymore...

Insecure pt.2

She said you can't know where I've gone

Or how far I've run

There's a reason why I can't apply

All of me

Maybe I ain't the one

How I adore our love would be so true

I just wish you knew

I'd be all yours if my mind didn't wonder

I've got scars from my life before you

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just can't trust no one else

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just feel safe by myself

Brent Faiyaz - Insecure

I'm sitting her reflecting on my insecurities I still have before, during and somewhat after this weight loss journey. How long is long enough? When can I get over them? Why did I have them? Do I love myself? How can someone love me with my flaws? Why was I born? Questions like these and more marinate in my mind and have crept down into my soul. I don't feel enough at times. The fu*k up thing about it is that I don't know what "enough" is... My insecurities and anxiety enjoys this word "enough". It is my kryptonite. The sworn in the side that can't be removed like Excalibur. I'm no King Arthur and my round table is consistented of my flaws and insecurities I see within myself. 

 This "enough" did not go away even after the 180lbs weight loss. I still feel that I can be more but what is more. Everyday I fight with this "enough" because I deserve happiness. I know to take it one day at time but it hard at times. This is when I go back and look where I came to where I am at now. Seeing the distance traveled compared to the distance in front of me keeps me motivated....