What's nor·mal...

nor·mal

/ˈnôrməl/

adjective

1.

conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

noun

1.

the usual, average, or typical state or condition.

After years of feeling trapped inside of myself...I am finally feeling NORMAL. But what is normal for me? Being able to walk long distances. This is something that many take for granted but for me it is a new way of life. I enjoy just walking around without having to worry if my back and legs hurting. In addition low stamina. Just being able to walk around as a NORMAL person is something I thought I could never do again. (Now if I can was down the street being Black man not being harassed due to my skin color is another story.)  Wearing clothes off the rack, sitting in booths in restaurants,  having sex while performing different positions, and etc are all things gained back to make me feel normal.  But......why do I see myself as Abnormal. Why the reflection in the mirror is not the same image I see in my mind? 🤔

Could this be body dysmorphia? I think so. This is normal for those who lose alot of weight  since our minds revert back to when we were a larger size. So in a sense, we can't view ourselves as NORMAL. 

Weight loss isn't just physical lost of fat but also mental. We got to lose the mental weight we have build up over time. For me, the feeling of not being normal nor good enough are the mental pounds I'm still working on. This feeling was started as a child. Due to my size and also a strict upbringing when it came to education. If a made an B on a test my mother would tell me Son that is good but we both know you could have made an A. Which she was correct however I was young and instead of talking her about it I allowed those feelings to turn into thoughts that I wasn't good enough. This good enough  is a fight I am still battling today. This is not a sap story about my childhood because I had a great one. My parents just pushed because they knew I was not applying myself like I should have. This will be explain more in an another entry working on. S not matter how  cutting back on carbs, fats, sugars, and etc will not make these mental pounds shrink. It's take self reflection. Being totally honest with yourself and embrace your faults. Everyday I try to learn something new about me and reinsure myself that I am good enough.

Just remember being NORMAL is a state of mind. Yes you are going have days when don't feel NORMAL. However don't allow those mental pounds weigh you down. Don't allow anyone or anything make you feel that you are not good enough.  Take it from me, this is very hurtful to one's self-esteem to allow something or someone make you feel that aren't good enough. Because at the end of the day, their opinion doesn't matter. Don't let it destroy you. Learn to be abnormally normal. I'm focusing on being the best Tristan that I can be. If a person doesn't like me the abnormally normal me they can kick rocks.

Remember to protect your peace. Take it one day at a time.  And most important if all YOU CAN DO IT.

Until next time.... #MyLastFatHomecoming

Brent Faiyaz - Clouded

I gave it all for a fantasy

Is anybody gon' remember me?

If I go tonight, I doubt the world would change

I just pray they don't forget my name

Is it game rules? I can't lose

When it's all said and done, will I still be cool?