What They Heard/Insecure pt. 3

F*ck your mind up, waste time

I'm prone to that, do it all the time

Keep your guard up or wait in line

You don't need me, please believe me

This ain't easy, you know I've been feindin'

Let me unleash my demons on you

What's the word? Tell me what you've heard

Don't tell me what to do, just tell me when it hurts

When I get you to myself, it's murder

What's the word? Tell me what you've heard

Don't tell me what to do, just tell me when it hurts

When I get you to myself, it's murder...

Sonder - What they heard 

What they heard about Tristan is different from what I know about Tristan. This weight loss journey was not just about losing pounds. Shading the toxic traits and insecurities I have/had about myself. My insecurities about being "enough" lead me to toxic past that aided in my weight loss. This "enough" came from life disappointments, failed relationships and the added pounds that I was gaining didn't help.  I became BITTER. A BITTER AQUARIUS MAN talking about heartless....a total 180 from the young man from Phillips County nicknamed Pookie. My BITTERNESS cause me to find comfort in sex and food especially sex. Numb...that was me. Sex gave me the feeling of being alive at the cost of killing me. Deep inside I was dying. Self esteem and confidence gone. When I couldn't get sex I leaned on food and alcohol. Large Meat lovers and about 3 40oz Bud lights plus some Henny and coke. Terrible combination when dealing with depression. I didn't respect myself for letting myself go. So back to sex, food and alcohol to numb my self.... Tristan is so funny. Tristan is so nice. He is husband material. Tristan, you are always happy ....things are the things of WHAT THEY HEARD about the shell that was ME Tristan.... But what I knew about Tristan was that WHAT THEY HEARD  about Tristan was just one side of the same coin....the other side was toxic, bitter and numb. There is a reason I choose the song lyrics....this was me. I was in this place for some time. Just waking around numb... Sex, Food and Alcohol were my vices....

What you mean, you and me? I'm here all by myself

You around, she's around, just be polite and not leave her out

What the f*ck you call this? Hopeless, not romantic

I ain't got no kids, so don't be so childish

You be wildin', I be wildin', too

But not like you, shit, maybe a little like you

Maybe we ain't so different, maybe I be trippin', too...

This song hits home because those lyrics is like going back in time watching myself smh. Remember when I stated that this journey wasn't just about pounds. I had to let go the toxicity in me. I started by not dating for a while. No sex. I stopped drinking for a while (I will admit not that long at that time. I currently haven't had alcohol in 15 months.) In order to find my center. I started therapy and began to feel better slightly. I started to change my mindset about dating. I needed this time because looking back at it this was when the foundation of my journey was being form. 

If he was a winner

Girl, you wouldn’t have to worry 'bout a damn thing

If I was up in it, shit, I bet a pound that I'd put it down

Make you forget that you was ever with him

And I hate talking 'bout my stroke game

But girl, I’m giving you the whole thing

I could put like 25 on your finger, five for your shades

So you can’t see these other niggas

They won’t call you again, that’s enough

I could see you’re wasting time

Would you pay it out to me? You’re in the wrong hands

I just want to clock in, night and day, I'll stay

I’ll be more open if you keep it open

Thank God for change. I still have my days where mt depression ans anxiety might comes but I know how to deal with it. I am not holding that BITTERNESS bag anymore. Fu*k that bag. I needed to go through that to help me appreciate what I have done so far. Now WHAT THEY HEARD about me is true. I am a good man who has and still overcoming his demons. Living life....

Food for Thought: Don't let WHAT THEY HEARD/SAY hinder you from your growth and healing. #MustardSeedMindset

Insecure pt. 1

She said

You can't know what I've done

You can't go where I'm from

Your lips can lie

But your eyes can't hide you're too young

You're too young

How I adore our love would be so true

I just wish you knew

I'd be all yours if my mind didn't wander, I've got scars

From a life before you

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just can't trust no one else

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just feel safe by myself...

Brent Faiyaz - Insecure

When was the last time you had an one on one talk to yourself. I'm talking about your real self. That self that you doesn't show to anyone else. The one where your insecurities lies... I had this talk recently and boy what a conversation it was. Everyone sees the Tristan that is always talkative, life of the party, the smart ass comedian but then there's the Tristan that I doesn't show to anyone. The Tristan who doesn't think he is smart enough, good looking and good enough. He comes out sometimes and when he does I must have a sit down. I hate when I have them but they are needed. Being able to be 💯 real with myself helps me make my insecurities my strengths in time. But I had to learn to face them. Not be scared of them but use them as fuel to keep going. I can not love Tristan without dealing with my insecurities. 

Just like the young lady in the song I allowed my insecurities stop me from doing things. Not anymore. I embrace them. But we shouldn't allow them to stop us. Live life....one day at time. 

#FoodForThought Try taking some time to deal with your insecurities that are stopping you....Don't allow them to stop you anymore...

Insecure pt.2

She said you can't know where I've gone

Or how far I've run

There's a reason why I can't apply

All of me

Maybe I ain't the one

How I adore our love would be so true

I just wish you knew

I'd be all yours if my mind didn't wonder

I've got scars from my life before you

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just can't trust no one else

Please don't think I'm insecure

I just feel safe by myself

Brent Faiyaz - Insecure

I'm sitting her reflecting on my insecurities I still have before, during and somewhat after this weight loss journey. How long is long enough? When can I get over them? Why did I have them? Do I love myself? How can someone love me with my flaws? Why was I born? Questions like these and more marinate in my mind and have crept down into my soul. I don't feel enough at times. The fu*k up thing about it is that I don't know what "enough" is... My insecurities and anxiety enjoys this word "enough". It is my kryptonite. The sworn in the side that can't be removed like Excalibur. I'm no King Arthur and my round table is consistented of my flaws and insecurities I see within myself. 

 This "enough" did not go away even after the 180lbs weight loss. I still feel that I can be more but what is more. Everyday I fight with this "enough" because I deserve happiness. I know to take it one day at time but it hard at times. This is when I go back and look where I came to where I am at now. Seeing the distance traveled compared to the distance in front of me keeps me motivated....

The Line....Year one done!!!

And as soon as you're comfortable

When it feels right

And it feels right

And when it feels right, say yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And if you're fallin', I'm fallin'

I'm fallin', fallin' after you

And if you love it, I love it

I love it

I love it too

(Ooh) oh, ooh yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And if you're fallin', I'm fallin'

I'm fallin', fallin' after you (after you)

And if you love it, then I love it

I love it

I love it too (then I love it too)

(Ooh)

At the end of it all, I'm coming back to you

Yeah, at the end of it all, I'm coming back to you

Yeah, we crossed

We crossed the line

At the end of it all, I'm coming back to you (the line)

At the end of it all, I'm coming home to you (we crossed the line)

At the end of it all, I'm coming back for you (the line)

There's no one else

dvsn - The Line

Well I have made it the finish line for the first leg of this weight loss journey. It had been a year since I started #MyLastFatHomecoming and I have lost a total of 170lbs. I must say that this has been journey of discovery. I am still shocked I lost this much weight not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. I have had my share of ups and downs but over all I am loving the Tristan I am becoming. I want to thank you ball for your support and I will continue this blog and make more entries sooner. I apologise for the hiatus but I have been getting my mental back on track. My anxiety has been on crazy lately due to the year anniversary of this journey and unfortunately the anniversary of my father's death. However I know he smiling down at me cheering me on. Love you Dad.

Now at the end of the all I want you to choose you. Whatever your journey is always choose your happiness. Yes there will be difficult times but you got this. One day at a time. I will start back posting a blog entry a week. I just want to let you all know what is going and that you are great....

Hold on....

Thinking ahead of time

Why don't you spend the night?

I know you love me

Pick up and roll the dice

Reading between the lines

I know you love me

We can book a flight

Wake up in paradise

Sun up above us

Tell me you down to ride

Then you can bet your life

No one above you

Said hold on, can't stop

Said hold on, can't stop (can't stop, yeah, yeah)

Said hold on, can't stop (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Said hold on, can't stop...

The Internet - Hold on

Where is your paradise? What are you doing to get there? What will you do once you get there? But first identify your paradise. My paradise is getting back to happy and confident Tristan. The first thing I did after identifying my paradise was to work on me getting there. I had to fix the mental before the physical would be healed. Mind over matter is the saying that happens to be true. Once I began getting my depression and self doubt under control I was able to focus on my weight loss. Now my plan is stay at a healthy weight for me and wear my Blerdy t shirts. I want to inspire others when it comes to reaching their goals. So my assignment for you all is to identify your paradise, from there find your path to it and then have a plan for what you will do once you get there...

Sign out

   #MyLastFatHomeComing

Split Decision

I can see it in your face, you gotta make a split decision

Is it, is it worth it?

You won't spare me any mercy

Said you'll never trust me again (you'll never trust me again)

Said you'll never love me again (you'll never love me again)

Said all that you need is your friends and you just be frontin'

Said you'll never trust me again (you'll never trust me again)

Love me again (you never love me again)

Said all that you need is your friends and you just be frontin'...

Partynextdoor - Split Decision

There are times in life where we must make a split decision on what we need to do to feel better. In the above song, Partynextdoor knows that his girl got to make a split decision on rather to stay with him or not after he was caught cheating with another woman. He knows that she must do what is best for her since he didn't appreciate her like he should've. Now back to us...when are you going to decide to make split decision on yourself? Well let me tell when I finally made a split decision on my weight loss journey.

It was on a Friday in July 2019 where I got off early from work. I had scheduled to get off early on this Friday two weeks prior to relax and chill. So when I got off I went to Harps grocery and got me a chicken strips dinner and a Gatorade. I came home and began eating while watching ESPN. Afterwards I took a shower and began to play some PS4 and then my chest started hurting. I was nervous but I figured it would just go away. I took some aspirin and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later and now my chest pain has gotten worse. So I went to WebMD (I know, I know) and I had symptoms of a heart attack. I called my mother and friends to tell them that I was on my way to the ER for my chest pain. My mother stated that she was coming and my friends said the same thing. I told them to wait and let me see what the doctor will say. So when I walked into the ER and told them my chest is hurting, they immediately rushed me to the back. I began praying in my head and was thinking I am too young to die. The nurses began placing the nodes in me for an EKG. Tears were trying to come out because I was super nervous and scared. After like ten minutes or so the EKG results were good but I am still not out of the woods yet. I had an X-ray of my heart. The X-ray was good. My heart was slightly bigger than normal but I was 517 lbs during that time so my heart would need to be a little bigger than normal. While I was being rolled back into the room I was in room I let out a very large burp. I was kinda ashamed however my chest pain went away. The doctor came in the room and had a smile on her face. She said Mr.Daniels you just had gas. She said you are find. But in that moment I made split decision to get healthy. It could have been worst. This was my wake up call from God. 

Sometimes in life we need a wake up call to make us finally decide on what we need to do. So I asked you right now make a split decision on improving yourself and removing anything that is holding you from your happiness. You got this.... #MyLastFatHomecoming 

PreviousYou

First things first girl,

Recognize who is with you now

Second thing, can't blame me for how

You were treated before I came

See I'm not Steven, Anthony even

Leroy or Ivan, Damn girl I've been

Right there for you since day one

So where is all this coming from

See now

I'm not to blame for the pain that was caused by previous cats

Who had your heart before me

I'm not to blame for the pain that was caused by previous cats

You gotta see me for me...

Musiq Soulchild - Previouscats

How many of you are still holding on to past hurts, failures, misses opportunities and broken relationships? With a show of hands, who want to get back to your happy place? It is actually easy to do but difficult to get started. How Sway? 🤔 First you got to do is to forgive yourself. Hold on Tristan, Shawn cheated on me. Denise played me for all my money and time. Jason was picked over me because of who he one and not for the work he does. I understand that but you got to forgive yourself for your role in this. And no this is not one of those of pointing the finger at yourself posts. Sometimes we forget how much power we have by simily forgiving ourselves and moving on. Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you was wrong but letting go of the feeling that you could have done better when you gave you all. When you been eating right but still isn't losing weight on the scale. When you have been faithful and dedicated to someone and they betray your trust. When you put in alot of work for a position where you was looked over. With everytime you failed at something try to find the silver lining because that failure could be a blessing in disguise. You might did not lose weight on the scale but you lost inches on your body. You might got cheated on but this finally forced you to leave a toxic situation to love yourself again. You might have gotten looked over this time because this position wasn't for you. What is for is bigger than that position. Like I said stated earlier, forgiving yourself is easy and difficult at the same time. Let's use me for example. I am still working on it. I am working on seeing the good in bad situations by forgiving myself for the things I control. I had to forgive myself for getting to 517 lbs and look at the work that I have done to get down to 375 lbs in less than a year. I had to forgive myself for loving someone that didn't love me back and was toxic. I forgave myself for my actions during the relationship and learned more about myself and what I need in my next relationship. Not getting the position I wanted only made me realize that God has a calling for me and I have been putting it off for a while now but this is perfect time to listen to Him. #HardHeadedAquarius 🙃 I said all of this just so that you  can realize that you are more than the previous you. Try everyday to be better than yesterday. So what you missed up today. Keep pushing and working on yourself...

Food for Thought

1. No one is perfect so don't try to be perfect. Be 💯 you.
2. God will test you at times and when He do just stand strong because He never fail on you.
3. Losing weight isn't just about the pounds loss during the journey. The mental, emotional and spiritual weight needs to loss also.
4. Set small goals that will lead to your larger goal. One day at a time.
5.  Lastly, enjoy breathing before you take your last breath. No matter how life is treating you remember if you are still breathing you can change and enjoy life.
   

FPV

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place...

Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror

In life we view ourselves in first person view FPV. We walk around viewing life as though we are in a Call of Duty game. We can view things infront of us, side to side, up /down but yet we still have to turn around to see what is behind us. FPV can be very good especially when focusing on goals however sometimes FPV doesn't give you the full story. 

For example, during my weight loss journey I have just been focusing on my goals but in my mind I still look the same. Even though my clothes were getting bigger and my energy was increasing I still felt and viewed myself as I did when I first started. I still saw me at 517 lbs even with the progress I have made. So one day at my weight loss session, I told my weight loss coach I felt like I am same size. The look on her face was priceless. She asked, Tristan have you looked at yourself in the mirror? I stated I have but I still see the 517 lbs version of me. So my weight loss coach told me get up and stand by the door. She took my phone and snapped two photos of me. And  then she sent the two photos I took when I started the journey to my phone. She stated do you see the difference. And I must say there was a significant change. I had an eureka moment after comparing those photos. Sometimes the mirror will need to stand in front of is the one in our minds. We must change the reflection of how we see ourselves mentally. Once this happens true healing begins...

Just remember...

1. Viewing life in FPV can sometimes blind you from whole picture that need to be viewed.
2. Change the reflection you see yourself in your mental mirror.
3. Life is too short but that doesn't mean you always have to drive fast...
4. Always celebrate your progress no matter how big or small.
5. It is ok for you to have a ME Day to get yourself together mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Johnny Appleseed

Southern trees bear a strange fruit

Blood on the leaves and blood at the root

Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze

Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees

Pastoral scene of the gallant South

The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth

Scent of magnolia, sweet and fresh

Then the sudden smell of burning flesh

Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck

For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck

For the sun to rot, for the tree to drop

Here is a strange and bitter crop

Billie Holiday - Strange Fruit

When I look in the mirror I see a 6'2 385 lbs Black MAN with locs who happen to have a resting "don't fuck with me face."  My appearance doesn't show my intelligence, my sense of humor, my dedication to my family and friends and most important my love for God. However my appearance is a threat to some especially those wearing a sheild. It brings them fear because my of skin. This something that Blacks deal with everyday. We are constantly judged by our so called curse from Kane or Noah... Melanated skin. Seeing the murder of George hurts. Seeing a grow man call out for his deceased mother makes me think it could have been me. I could be another hashtags or a piece of strange fruit hang on a tree branch. This is the kind of emotions I don't want to pass on to my future children but yet at an early age I will have tell them how to conduct themselves around those sworn in the protect us just for my child to come home safe. 

Trying to stay focused on my diet plan is hard during times like this. I constantly have to remind my self I am an emotional eater. With that being said, I have been eating shredded lettuce like a cow 🐄. I haven't watched the news just YouTube and Netflix. I understand theses are hard times but when is a change going to come? Soon...I don't know. I wished I did but would come with a cost of a #Hashtag...

Question: When do you think a change will come? 

Return of the...

(Return of the Mack) it is

(Return of the Mack) come on

(Return of the Mack) oh my God

(You know that I'll be back) here I am

(Return of the Mack) once again

(Return of the Mack) pump up the world

(Return of the Mack) watch my flow

(You know that I'll be back) here I go

So I'm back up in the game

Running things to keep my swing

Letting all the people know

That I'm back to run the show

'Cos what you did, you know, was wrong

And all the nasty things you've done

So, baby, listen carefully

While I sing my come-back song...

Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack 

Swagger, Juice, Glow, Feeling yourself, Poppin and Hot Girl Summer are all synonyms for the word Confidence. 

Confidence is defined as a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. This is something I always had but lost it. Well let me give you some background. I always been a big guy however my confidence never waivered. I didn't have an issue with my weight especially when I played highschool football 🏈. My size helped me get recruited from colleges to play football collegiately. I never had an issue of getting a lady due to my size. I always held my head up high and walked with pride. I guess the ladies liked it..🤷🏿♂️ Even in college I had confidence but it started to wavier when the scale started to go up. Now looking back after two failed relationships, I began to question myself if I was good enough. This lead to the start of emotional eating. The endorphins I got from eating made me feel better for that small period of time however when my clothes started to get smaller the vicious cycle of emotional eating started again. My confidence sank to the bottom of the ocean because I didn't feel I was attractive and that I wasn't good enough. The confidence I did show was a mask. This mask hid that fact I didn't feel I was worth life nor purpose. The mask hid the fact I was tired of being a big guy.i wanted to be normal. 

Now fast forward to my first therapy session years ahead. This was the start of the rebirth of me. I was tired of wearing this mask I thought that if I tried therapy it could work and if not atleast I tried. Over time therapy helped me to learn how to love myself again. I needed this before I started this weight loss journey because without it I would have failed. I needed to have ”confidence" within myself to be successful. Even if my confidence was the size of a mustard seed (😏) it would grow in time. The funny thing about it i didn't notice my confidence growing, others did. My recent ex told me that I was walking differently well we were together. She stated that my shoulders were sitting more up right than usual when I walked. I just chalked it up as may be the weight loss is helping my mobility. One other hand, I started to feel better mentally and emotionally over time. Even after the breakup, my confidence began to come back after I finally started to began to process my emotions of the breakup. (I am very stubborn at times. I didn't want to give my ex the power of my emotions by keeping them pent-up which was a mistake. I will talk about this later on another entry... Promise 😉.)  I got more focused on my weight loss and didn't notice that my confidence was coming back. Now looking back a person could see it in my posts on Facebook and IG. The pictures I took now has my smirk 😏 I usually have. I really didn't notice. I just knew I prayed to God for peace and understanding. And to not have any resentment btowards my ex and our failed relationship. I also prayed for an increase of will power for this weight loss journey.  So with every pound loss I gain some of my confidence back. But not for the reason you think. I was happy that I was actually sticking with the weight loss program and I was getting healthier. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually healed. 

---

Closer to my dreams

It's coming over me

I'm getting higher

Closer to my dreams

I'm getting higher and higher

Feel it in my sleep

Goapele - Closer 

---

One day I was talking to one of my homegirls and i was telling her thag since my weight loss my inbox has been crazy. I told her that I will not talk to a lady who didn't want to talk to me when I was bigger. She said Tristan they are probably inboxing you now because you are glowing. 🤔 I was like really. She rebuttal back saying that my confidence is back and my energy has changed. She further said that she doesn't see sadness in my eyes now but happiness. I was floored because to me I was same Ol' Tristan. Besides her, I have had other people say the same thing. The funny thing about it is that once I realized my worth things began to change....

In conclusion,  Confidence and Faith very similar which can start off as small as a mustard seed. However the see need to be able grow with healing yourself. Taking time out to heal is very important. We all need time to reflect and heal. So i challenge you everyday to love yourself more. I know it difficult because I am doing this also. We tend to focus on our flaws. So let make our flaws our strengths. So until next time remember to love yourself and get closer to your dreams...

Alcatraz

I'm locked up; they won't let me out

No, they won't let me out

I'm locked up, they won't let me out

They won't let me out

I'm locked up, they won't let me out

No, they won't let me out

Akon - Locked Up

Hello world. It been a few weeks. I apologizefor that but I have been some self reflecting and getting my mental game back on track. However my weight loss progress is still going strong. Your boy is back in the 300's and I am very close to my main goal. However today's entry is about one the side effects of weight loss... Constipation. 😭😭😭 I hate it with a passion but this was told to me by my weight loss coach when I started. It usually comes out of the blue and doesn't last long however it makes me feel like shyt for not being able to shyt...😏 The way I combat this is by drinking some magnesium citrate every 3 to 4 days. I call the days I drink this liquid "Me Time" because I am not leaving my room nor the house...Lol. Just me and my music, YouTube videos and/or PS4. Now the irony with this is that once I drink this liquid this is when everyone want to come visit. So for those who are going through this weight loss journey I just wanted to give you a heads up on this...

Remember...

1. Set small goals that will lead to you achieving your main goal.
2. Set backs can be used as a come up. Don't be discouraged. Use it as motivation.
3. Find something you love about yourself about you each day...(I am working on this as well).
4. And lastly, take some time out of your day to focus on you...

Turn your nightmares into Dreams... 4/16/2020

Ain't this what they've been waiting for?

You ready?

I used to pray for times like this, to rhyme like this

So I had to grind like that to shine like this

In a matter of time I spent on some locked up shit

In the back of the paddy wagon, cuffs locked on wrists

See my dreams unfold, nightmares come true

It was time to marry the game and I said, "Yeah, I do"

If you want it you gotta see it with a clear-eyed view

Got a shorty, she tryna bless me like I said, "Achoo"

Meek Mill - Dreams and Nightmares 

Stress effects weight loss echoed in my mind. My weight loss coach, Robin, told me this during a weigh in after a break up. I had gained four pounds. I was devastated. All this hard work and I gained weight. How Sway? I told Robin I was going through a break up and she said she understood because she was currently going through one as well. Robin told me that stress effects weight loss. "Tristan your body is retaining liquid since you are stressed." Robin stated. She told me to work on processing this break up to relieve the stress. I paid for my shakes and walked out the center a broken man mentally, emotionally and physically. I got in my car feeling terrible. A failed relationship and now weight gain...all bad. The drive from St. Vincent to my apartment is about 30 minutes with my driving (I'm a slow driver) but that day it seemed like it took forever. Now, looking back I needed that time. I needed to start processing this breakup. So, on my drive back to Conway I had Partynextdoor - "News" on repeat. I felt that this song was about me and my failed relationship. Then I made the dumbest decision ever when it comes to breakups; I convinced myself that I wasn't going to allow her to make me feel sad. I was going to be numb about this situation. 🙄 I know I know...stupid...🙄 Because the weigh in for the next week, my body plateaued... No weight gain or loss. Robin asked if I was still stressed because my food journal was great and I should have lost some weight. I reluctantly told her yes. Robin stated again the stress effects weight loss. Same cycle as the week before a long drive while having the same song on repeat. When I got home I put on my Black Emo music playlist and the song "Honesty" by Pink Sweat$ started to play. Ironic as it was, I finally began to be honest with my self and let the process start. So, after a few tears 😭 I felt better. I felt my motivation come back. That moment of honesty with myself broke down the wall I built up for my emotions. I got up and made my keto cabbage soup and stated to myself I will not let this mess up my progress I made so far. (I had lost 60lbs at that time) I used my friend's advice (Dr.Terri) and stopped listening to my Black Emo music and started back my journaling. I began to feel better in time and my next weigh in was a success. I lost 16lbs. After two weeks of failing (Nightmares) I finally had success. I was so happy 76lbs down. I sent my family and close friends my result of the weigh in and they were so happy.

I learned a valuable lesson. Turn your nightmares into Dreams. Life might not always go the way that you expect. This also goes for your weight loss journey or any journey you are taking. There are going to be ups and downs but it all depends on how you handle them.

Some tips to use with your journey...

1. Set small goals that would lead to your overall goal.
2. Use this motto: Take one day at a time and one week at a time... Don't rush the process!!!
3. Make sure your support system actually supports you.
4. Every breathe you take is another chance to better yourself. (Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a step I am still working on.)
5. Block out negativity. (Yes, I am working on this step as well.)
6. Most importantly, Love you...(This step is my biggest hurdle that I will get across.)

#MyLastFatHomeComing

My first official weigh in...

On My Mama (Mama)

On My Hood (Hood)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

Touch My Swag (Swag)

Wish You Could (Could)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

On My Mama (Mama)

On My Hood (Hood)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

Touch My Swag (Swag)

Wish You Could (Could)

I Look Fly (Yeah)

I Look Good (Good)

Chalie Boy - I look good

On 9/18/2019, I had my first official weigh in. I was so nervous. The week prior I just ate chicken breast and cauliflower rice for the only meal I could eat each day. I was eating chopped up cucumbers as a snack. I will admit that first week was hell. From the cravings, to feeling tired and irritable I was like fuck this shit. Give me my Papa John's large sausage pizza or a Taco Bell Nacho Grande with two supreme chalupas because a negro was hungry and feeling miserable. Eating food made me feel happy. No matter what I was going through, food was what I turned to. It was my escape from the world. So, as you can see that first week of the new diet was culture shock for my body and mind but I was able to push through. My weight loss coach told me that I could lose up to ten pounds during the first week. I was so nervous during my 38 minute drive to the St. Vincent's Heart Clinic where Ideal Protein is located. I was shaking walking to the door. I had to talk to myself in order to calm down because my nerves were everywhere. Then I saw my weight loss coach, Amber, walk towards the door to let me in. She asked was I nervous. I guess she asked because of the deer stuck in headlights look I had on my face. I replied back yes but I wasn't anymore. I wanted to lose ten pounds in order feel like this was successful. Well, guess what America, I only lost three pounds. Three mofo pounds like WTF. A whole week of hell for three pounds. Amber was just cool as the other side of the pillow. She said, "Tristan this is great start." I was like WTH in my head. I stated that I felt like I should have lost more. She told me, "Tristan you didn't gain this weight in one day. This is marathon for your life. You got this." She also said "We will experiment with the diet to find what will work for you. We got this together." Still skeptical I stated we will see. So Amber said, "Tristan give this your all. Any loss whether on the scale or inches on the measurement tape is a step towards your goal. So don't be discouraged." I said you are right. When I got in my car I called my mother and told her the results. She was so happy. She said baby you got this. Next week like try to lose four pounds. She echoed the same thing Amber said; this is marathon not a sprint and she and my family are rooting for me. That cheered me up. I thanked my mother and told her I will work hard at this. I called John and told him my results. He was happy also. He was like Babs you can't lose it all in one day. Take it one day at a time. Now look at this; three people echoed the same message to me. This was God talking to me through them. I wanted to rush this process instead of taking my time to enjoy the journey. This is a lesson I need to learn. Patience. At times we want everything now instead of later. God knows that I need this journey to grow and to appreciate my goal when I get there. So, I had change my mindset. I began to take one day at a time and one week at a time. By UCA Homecoming I had lost forty pounds. I will admit a brother was kinda feeling himself. At this time only my family and close friends knew I was on a weight loss program. This was the first time in a long time that I was proud of myself. My confidence was coming back. The way I walked and talked was going back to how I was in the past, before I was 517lbs. I felt that I was the old Tristan. The happy carefree Tristan. The Big lover lover Tristan. Now I just had to make sure I stayed on my diet this weekend and make sure I didn't drink any Blu Juice. Success. I didn't slip up any that weekend. My motivation sky rocketed since I got alot of compliments. 

My self esteem was through the roof and my weigh in numbers were good also. Another eight pounds down and three inches off my body. So your boy was feeling himself. Thr plab of four protein shakes and one meal a day waa working. I found a keto cabbage soup on YouTube that was tasty and helped my body burn fat. I increased my water intake from drinking one gallon a day to two. I was noticing small changes in my body. My face and legs were getting smaller. My stamina increased dramatically. My back did not hurt anymore. I was in a great place mentally and emotionally. I finally got the lady of my dreams but I wasn't ready for the nightmare ahead...

Words of encouragement: Remember take your journey one day at a time. Do not try to rush the process. Just go with the flow. There will be plenty ups and downs during the journey.  Use you down moments as motivation. Remember any lost is gain. Sometimes you might lose more inches than pounds. Do not feel discouraged if the scale needle didn't move. Embrace losing those inches over pounds. And the most important thing to remember find what works for you. Everyone's bodies are different and react differently. Weight loss can be similar to the scientific method. Trying different things for success. It took me two months to find what works for me. So don't be afriad to try new things. 

April 5, 2020

Know you ride it right

I might just die tonight

But you know I'm still coming through baby

I know it's bad for me

And you know it tastes so sweet

I think I need your abuse baby

Girl, you do damage to me

You, know I love it, yeah, I love you

Ain't nothing better for me now

Girl, you do damage to me

You, know I love it, yeah, I love you

Ain't nothing better for me now

Than your poison baby... 

Brent Faiyaz - Poison 

On September 9, 2019 my weight loss journey began with Ideal Protein. Day one really wasn't bad. Eating cucumbers like potato chips and drinking water kept me full. I did this for the rest of the week until Friday. I started feeling the cravings. I never was a candy bar eater but I would've punched someone for a Snickers Bar. Yes, I was a Snickers Bar commercial. I was beginning to feel agitated about anything. It could have been something as small as hearing my text message alert go off. Yes I said it....the alert I choose for my phone was causing me to get upset. As I look back at it now, it is very comical. My body was craving the sugar and carbs that were being cut dramatically. My weight loss coach told me that I would start feeling fatigue, irritable or have a headache due to the diet change. So for the next two weeks I dealt with my fatigue and irritability by staying at home. I didn't feel that I had the will power to eat correctly if I went out to a restaurant with friends. So I used this time of solitude to get mentally prepared for this journey. 

Oh, I forgot to tell you all I had to give up was the consumption of alcohol for this weight loss program. WTF was my thought! This is the start of football season and my beer drinking goes hand in hand with this. Prior to starting my program, when I got off from work on Thursday or Friday I would get my alcohol for the weekend. I would get about 5 to 6 Budlight 40oz, some Budlight 24oz cans, a bottle of courvoisier, Hennessy or Paul Mason. Of course I had to get my Seagram's Ginger Ale for my hard liquor.  I thought the alcohol was for setting the mood to relax after a long week of work, but as I found out the alcohol was just numbing unprocessed pains and frustrations. Everyone who knew me knew my love for alcohol. The feeling of numbness was everything to me. I didn't want to feel the emotional and physical pain I was dealing with. The alcohol didn't make me think of health issues, it numbed the thought of being overweight.  I didn't think about the pain I was still holding from past breakups. I thought alcohol was giving me Zen but in actuality it was the main reason why I was gaining. Not because of the carbs associated with alcohol but the suppression of my emotions would cause me to over eat. Although alcohol was important to me, it was also my downfall. Even with the knowledge of that I was still hesitant about giving up alcohol for this weight loss program. I felt that I couldn't do it. I thought that my craving for alcohol would be too overwhelming and cause me to quit the program. But guess what, I was able to stop drinking cold turkey. I never had a craving for it which is by the grace of God. By giving up alcohol, not only was it aiding in my weight loss journey, it was also aiding in my emotional healing journey as well. 

So I encourage you all to find the underlying issues that you feel is keeping you from being successful in your weight loss journey. One of mine being alcohol, as a way to not deal with emotional hurt. Learning how to heal without anything making me numb was a major barrier I had to break. To be honest, it is still not easy at times. What gets me through is looking at where I started to where I am at currently. Yes, I still have bad days but I try to find a productive way to deal with my emotions. So my homework for you (Yes homework lol) list your underlying issues with weight loss and come up with a plan to deal with them. Yes, I know this is going to be difficult since this requires you to be fully honest with yourself. It is still difficult for me to this but I know I have to. Just take it one day at a time. You got this....#MyLastFatHomeComing

March 30, 2020

I called on you, you were needed

You went MIA today and I ain't see ya

I thought of you, while I was working

I'm too proud to look for you

I hope you're hurting

Tell me what I got to prove

(While I was working)

I don't mean nothing to you

(I hope you're hurting)

You ain't got nothing to say

(While I was working)

You're too good at walking away

(I hope you're hurting)

Sonder - Too Fast

 

2019 I was 37 weighing 512lbs. Hurting on the inside with a smile on my face. Still had my sense of humor but yet sad inside. I was already planning my funeral in my head. I want to be cremated so that the pallbears wouldn't have to carry my heavy body. Where was the joyful, full of life Tristan?  I should be happy, but I wasn't. I have been depressed since Christmas of 2018 when I had an emotional breakdown at my mother's house. All of the past hurts and frustrations about my life came out. I felt terrible for messing up Christmas. This was followed by a counseling session when I got back to Conway. This didn't help because I couldn't be fully open. Still hurting and confused. Seeing my flaws instead of my pros. I still haven't gotten over past breakups and failures. I had gotten to the point that death would be best for me since  I didn't know my purpose of life. People thought I had it together but I was a broken mirror with the cracks in the back. Their reflection of me was nothing like the image I saw in myself. Drinking and sexing away my pain did not work. This further lead to more pain. All of this came to a head with an argument with my bestfriend John and I. John is one of my friends who has a big heart but is a straight shooter. He has been getting on me for years on losing weight. He has worked out with me and stayed on my ass about it. It was a cycle; I work out for about a good month and then get discouraged and quit. Which led me to further fall in my depression. I said that to give you some background on our friendship. John is also my barber. So while he was lining me up he began to talk about my weight and it started. We both got into it. He was worried about my health and kept it 💯 with me. I didn't want to hear it but I needed to. He actually kicked me out of his house that night. I left his house mad and hurting. Not at him but at myself because he was right. My family and friends were all concerned about me. So when the tears began to fall during my drive back to my side of town, I didn't attempt to stop them. This was the first time I actually let my emotions out. We didn't talk for about a week until our friend Tony called and was like BABS (a nickname I was given during college) you know John is worried about you like all of us. Why don't you try the program mentioned to help lose the weight Tony asked. I was actually speechless. Everyone who knows me, knows it takes alot for me to not have a smart come back, but they were right. On that day my weight loss journey started for me mentally. I decided to get the number from John of his client who lost weight using this program. I contacted let's say his name is "Tim"  about the program. Tim was totally honest with his battle of weight loss and stated that I should try it. This was a pride swallowing moment and I got the number of the program and called them.  I was scared and not confident that it would work but at least I made the first step. So on September 9, 2019 I started my #MyLastFatHomeComing plan. I am going to lose this weight and heal Tristan from the inside out...

This is just a summary of what started this weight loss journey for me. This blog is for encouraging common people on how the journey of weight loss and learning about self. I am going to give it raw and uncut with some humor sprinkled in. I am going to be an open book for you because someone needs to know that they can do this. So let's get ready for our #MyLastFatHomecoming.